I was elated when I found out that I pregnant again in August 2007 after doing some early pregnancy test on cycle day 23. By the time I had got to 4.5 weeks I had been feeling ill after eating and given that I gestational diabetes with Kylan I started testing my blood and found that I was getting very high readings. I went to my G.P and told him I thought I had gestational diabetes, who looked at me like I had just come from planet idiot, and told me to book for a glugose test to be done. They couldn't do the blood test for two weeks and something was telling me that I need to see someone about it now, so I dug out Kylans pregancy folder and found the number for the diabetes clinic. I phoned them on a Friday afternoon who said that it sounded very much like I did have and to continue monitoring my blood sugars over the weekend and they would see me first thing Monday morning. Monday morning, they confirmed that I had gestational diabetes already, and said that for all it was very rare to have it so early on it wasn't unheard of. They put me on insulin 4 times a day and gave me some 5mg Folic acid as they said diabetes can be nasty to babies. I came away all pleased with myself that I had found out really early and was stopping my baby being hurt by the diabetes. I was really ill with this pregnancy from the start and was really big really early, I had a dating scan at 8 weeks so I could then have a Nuchal scan at 13 weeks to check for Downs syndrome. I was all excited about seeing our baby again at the scan, whe had both boys with us, Kian was 4 and Kylan was 9 months old at the time. We went into the room and I laid on the bed, the lady started scanning my tummy and pointed out the heart beating, babies arms and legs and showed us baby waving at us, she then went very quite and was studying baby very hard, she then said she needed to go and get a collegue. I was laid on the bed, thinking that the baby had Downs syndrome when the lady arrived back with her collegue who was stood looking at the scan and then they both agreed and told us that "our babies skull had formed properly" my whole world came crashing down, my baby was really ill. We where taken to the screening co-ordinators office, while the consultant came and spoke to us. He said that the baby Anencephaly and I would need to go London to Kings hospital to have a scan there for them to confirm the diagnosis. The following day we made the trip to London, only to spend 2 awful hours sat waiting in a room full of women all happily pregnant, going in and coming out smiling at their scan pictures. When we were eventually seen we were taken into a room full of 7 different doctors. They scanned me and again you could see her heart beating strong and her moving about, and I wished so hard that they were going to say that our hospital was wrong and our baby was fine. They confirmed that our baby did indeed have Anencephaly and was not viable for life. They cited the cause of it as undiagnosed/uncontrolled diabetes between cycle day 23 to 28, that caused the neural tube not to close properly. I was devastated, I had been so pleased to have found and got treatment for the diabetes very early, only to find that even that was to late and the damage had already been done. We had to make the journey back home to our local hospital to discuss the options available to us. We were told that our baby was not viable for life and there was no way of her surviving, our baby had been born into a broken body that no-one could fix. We opted to end our babies suffering and arrangements were made that I would have to take a tablet to "prepare me for labour" and then go back in 48 hours later to have my pregnancy induced. On the Saturday I had to go to central delivery of all places where the doctor gave me the medication and an hour later I was told I could go and that I should go to Pembury hospital on Monday. The following day, we went out to get the bits we needed for the next day and to buy the baby a teddy and blanket. We got a lovely yellow lion with a little blanket attached, that evening, Paul went to bingo to have a break from what was going on and at about 6pm on Rememberance Sunday, I felt an almighty kick, which was very unusual, as I had only just began to feel her fluttering about, within minutes I felt very ill and went and checked my blood sugars which had dropped down to 2.2, I drank half a pint of full sugar fanta and had some sweets. 20 minutes later I re-checked my blood and it was only 2.4, I drank another half pint of fanta, I was really worried that I couldn't get my sugars up as I was home alone with 2 small children, I was on the verge of phoning for an ambulance when I checked it again 20 minutes later and it had gone up slightly to 3.2, but it was rising, so the panic was over. The following morning we had to make the dreadful journey to Pembury, where we were put in a room well away from everyone and introduced to the two midwifes that were going to be looking after me. I was given a pessary to sofen my cervix and get labour going but I was warned that due to how early it was they may have trouble getting me into established labour, and would need to take a tablet every 4 hours until labour start or if after 4 lots of tablets nothing had happened they would have to wait 24 hours before trying again. I had to lay in bed for an hour after having the pessary, after that I wanted to get up and sit in the chair, as I sat down I felt something "pop" and quickly got back up an onto the bed, with that my waters broke everywhere. We called the midwife who said it was my waters and helpped clean me up. I laid in bed waiting for the dreadful contractions that I had had with Ky and they asked me if I wanted any pain relief and I said I wouldn't even take paracetamol for it!!! They insisted on bringing in the gas and air just in case, I had a puff on it try it and remembered how good it was!! I could feel something coming down so I told the midwife who confirmed that it was my baby. It had only taken 2 hours 45 minutes from start to finish. The nurses took the baby away while I got cleaned up, after what felt like an eternity, they brought our tiny baby back. I was really worried about what she would look like, but when I saw her, she was just beautiful and perfectly formed apart from her skull. It was unreal, I didn't even notice her problems, I checked her over to make sure she was as ill as we had been told and she was, we also found a spina bifida hole at the top of her spine. We had her blessed, not that we are religious but because we had to do something. We spent 4 hours with our little baby, holding her and taking pictures of her as I knew it would be the only opportunity I would ever have to see her and wanted to make sure that I had enough photos of her so she would never be forgotten. We said our hellos and good byes, before we let her go, we put a little photo I had in my purse on top of her blanket to go with her so she got to meet her brothers. The hardest thing we had to do was walk away from the hospital leaving our baby there knowing we would never get to see her again. Her funeral was 26th November 2 days after my sisters wedding, we used flowers that my sister had at the wedding for her funeral, which was just the 4 of us. Afterwards the boys let ballons go for her. Losing Ellis has been the worst experience of my life, she was the daughter we longed for, that we had to let go. I live everyday with the guilt that I always said if I found out that a unborn child of mine had something wrong with it, I would carry on and let nature take it's course, but I didn't and I can't change history even though I would like to, knowing that she would have died regardless is no real comfort, I should have given her the chance, even if it meant only have 2 minutes with her. Now we visit our daughter at a crematorium, and having only memories left of her. Not a day goes by that I don't think about my daughter and what she should be doing now.